Sunday, 30 March 2014

Just because I like Top Gear doesn’t mean that I’m a Misogynist, or does it?


When you read my blogs you would probably get the impression that I am a misogynist “Woman Hater” but you would be wrong, I am exactly the opposite! I can find a quality I like about even the most appalling Harpies. Over the years this has been my biggest downfall, and just because I like one quality doesn’t mean to say they don’t drive me mad with numerous other things I don’t like.

I think I’m a good host, I don’t ask a lot from a house guest or girlfriend, just two rules, don’t touch the remote controls, and when I’m watching a program, only talk during commercials, if you have something urgent to say Text me, now is that too much to ask? Just to clarify “You’re a shit boyfriend, I never want to see you again, and I’m going home “ is not an urgent message, I could get the gist from the, Tuts, the door slamming and the tyre squeal, without missing any of the program .

In my defence it’s imperative that you watch a Motoring Program (Top Gear) live because If I had a quid for every time I’ve sat down to watch a film or TV program that I set my video to record, and just before the end “somebody” has changed the channel and Coronation Street, Eastenders or some other drivel comes on, I would be a millionaire. Even Sky Plus Falls foul of the 8 Oclock weekdays phenomena when two equally shit Womens programs are broadcast on different channels, so instead of Wayne Carini in an Episode of Chasing Classic Cars, you get a message saying this “Program failed to record due to a Programming Conflict” (Which roughly translated means, we did manage to record your Girlfriends Programs But Hey, Have a Great Night!) ”

When a Womans watching a program, it’s like turning a shark on its back, (I watch The Discovery Channel a lot too) they go into an almost catatonic state, except for the odd “Bastard” muttered at the guy in the program who's done something to upset one of the female characters, then they give a sideways glance in your direction which really means “You even think of doing that and I will be after you with the kitchen scissors!

When you’re watching a program it’s a different thing, women can multitask, for multitasking substitute “do several things that annoy you all at the same time” they can read a magazine, hum a tune, and flick the pages over so fast that each page sounds like a whip crack. Incidentally did you know that a whip cracks, because the end is travelling faster than the speed of sound and it creates a mini Sonic Boom, if you didn’t know that, the chances are its because you were watching the program "Little Known Facts" with your girlfriend.

They don’t speak too often but when they do, it’s at the precise moment that Jeremy Clarkson is sharing some very important information and you miss it, no point in saying “shush” as that just makes things worse, “Shush, why Shush, what’s happening, what’s he talking about that’s so important that I’ve got to shush, has Richard Hammond invented a cure for Cancer? By which time you’ve missed what he was saying anyway and you are even more in the dog house. Then just when you don’t want it, it’s time to go to bed, and you get the Library treatment, which was precisely what you wanted when you were watching TV

 I have a pair of Bose “Quiet Comfort Noise Cancelling Headphones” which I always take on Holiday. They work by use of analog circuits or digital signal processing. Adaptive algorithms are designed to analyze the waveform of the background aural or nonaural noise, then based on the specific algorithm generate a signal that will either phase shift or invert the polarity of the original signal. This inverted signal (in antiphase) is then amplified and a transducer creates a sound wave directly proportional to the amplitude of the original waveform, creating destructive interference. This effectively reduces the volume of the perceivable noise. Translated this means they eliminate the sound of the plane’s engines, and you don’t have to turn the volume of the in-flight movie up to an unacceptable level.

As I said before I really do like Women, it would probably be less stressful for me If I didn't and I was to become a Monk, but that’s not the life for me so In order to survive I believe that Mother Nature has taken pity on me and allowed my hearing to evolve. I seem to have developed noise cancelling ears. Although my hearing is perfect, my ears work in exactly the opposite way to my Noise cancelling headphones. I can hear every note of a Formula One cars engine as the gears change, the pitch alters and it screams down the track. Watching the opening sequence of Point Break, I can hear the next cartridge slide into the chamber as he cocks his pump action shotgun, in preparation for his next shot. I hear his bullet tear through the target and the hollow tinkling of a spent bullet casing ejected from Johnny Utah's (Keanu Reeves) semi automatic Sig Sauer P226 9 mm, as it hits the ground, bouncing  twice before it settles and becomes silent.




No matter how softly they talk, I never miss a word spoken by Jeremy, Richard, James, Tiff and Jason. If she’s sat opposite me I can see my girlfriend’s lips moving but I can’t hear a word she’s saying until the commercial break or 'Jessica' by the 'Allman Brothers' starts to play.

Noise cancelling ears do have a couple of disadvantages, and I must remember to write to the TV broadcasters and ask if they could put subtitles on the screen when Vicky Butler-Henderson is on Fifth Gear and the same when Rachel Riley is on The Gadget Show so that I know what they’re talking about.

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